Psalms 37:4

One of my latest blog posts was put into story form which was a hidden metaphor for how my emotions were of how my life was at that time. It's sort of how I've been living my life as of late. Living in metaphors, ignoring and avoiding and beating around the bush. I think lately, I've crawled into a familiar shell that once made me feel comfortable. So many emotions have been bottled up for a while now that a bomb has been planted inside of me. I've been feeling stressed, lost, confused, irritated, lonely, bland, lazy and as funny as it seems unattractive.
I've become fairly emotional once again when I thought I was fighting through it, but that was a long time ago. Just to give you an insight of how my life is at the moment, I have to pay money that I can't pay myself for I don't have a stable job, but today I was handing in resumes. It's been a whole lot of thinking lately back and forth, positive to negative, right to wrong, evil to good and what people will think about me most especially. To be honest, I see people with great looks, their ability to drive a vehicle, people who can just spend and spend until their hearts content, people who can hold someone close and have someone call them at the end of a stressful day and say "I missed you", I see people who have meaning in their life that have a role in this world and people who can say "God is so evident in my life". This year, I've been pushed back and stuck in quicksand. It's been three years since I've been in a classroom and my biggest desire right now for next year is to be the year that I first step into a classroom to begin TAFE or university. My Christmas present for this year, I'd be happy to know that I paid everything off to everyone and to the fines and that I can have money to myself for a while. By 2010, I want to be fully devoted to God once more and by 2011, I want to be a non smoker. Really a girlfriend isn't what I want and I know it's not what I need. What I need is to change myself and find redemption through God, my family and my friends. I want to know life without being drunk or tipsy, I want to know how life feels with healthy lungs, I want to know how life is when your heart beats really fast and I want to know how it feels when your soul has been touched spiritually and I want to know how it feels when your mind is at ease and to be problem free. Once upon a time I have felt these things before, so I believe I can feel those things again. When I look back on 2009, I look back at a young girl vs. my family, alcohol problems, two sprained ankles and a car accident. I know my family is more important than any girl in this world. I know two sprained or fractured ankles can't put me down for I still stand up and walk. I know that this car accident has piled on a lot of negativity in me and more problems to be solved, but I survived it for redemption, so I can learn and be stronger and better than I was before. But why does it still affect me? Everyday, I need to see people with the freedom that I long for, everyday, I have to live with the fact that I nearly killed myself and someone else and that it's another way that I've disgraced myself and my family. But they say, "It's to those people and you that think that way. Just know God has already forgotten about it." Twenty Two Years Old, is how old I'll be when I'm on the road again, 20 months to go. But they say, "We don't need to worry about the next day for it's in God's hands we just need to believe it. It's the excuses and why that happened, they don't become just questions anymore, they become questions and problems, but they become questions and problems that God and you will work out and answer."

We can't have these things given to us on a silver plater we need to go out there and grab it. To look attractive - we need to exercise and eat right, to have the ability to drive a vehicle - we need to wait and learn from our mistakes, to spend and to have money - we need to have jobs and work, to have a girlfriend - we need to wait in line and wait for God's time.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalms 37:4). Perhaps then I'll find God being evident in my life. I'm alive, I have a family, I have friends, I'm learning and I have a will to change and be better every time, God is already evident after all. But I know what I need to do. Step One: Talk to God, Pray, do your Devotions and read the Bible, Step Two: Keep doing that and practice it and wait, watch and listen for God to speak to you. Step Three: Continue Step One and Two, excercise and keep handing out resumes until a job accepts you and that's a start.