One of my latest blog posts was put into story form which was a hidden metaphor for how my emotions were of how my life was at that time. It's sort of how I've been living my life as of late. Living in metaphors, ignoring and avoiding and beating around the bush. I think lately, I've crawled into a familiar shell that once made me feel comfortable. So many emotions have been bottled up for a while now that a bomb has been planted inside of me. I've been feeling stressed, lost, confused, irritated, lonely, bland, lazy and as funny as it seems unattractive.
I've become fairly emotional once again when I thought I was fighting through it, but that was a long time ago. Just to give you an insight of how my life is at the moment, I have to pay money that I can't pay myself for I don't have a stable job, but today I was handing in resumes. It's been a whole lot of thinking lately back and forth, positive to negative, right to wrong, evil to good and what people will think about me most especially. To be honest, I see people with great looks, their ability to drive a vehicle, people who can just spend and spend until their hearts content, people who can hold someone close and have someone call them at the end of a stressful day and say "I missed you", I see people who have meaning in their life that have a role in this world and people who can say "God is so evident in my life". This year, I've been pushed back and stuck in quicksand. It's been three years since I've been in a classroom and my biggest desire right now for next year is to be the year that I first step into a classroom to begin TAFE or university. My Christmas present for this year, I'd be happy to know that I paid everything off to everyone and to the fines and that I can have money to myself for a while. By 2010, I want to be fully devoted to God once more and by 2011, I want to be a non smoker. Really a girlfriend isn't what I want and I know it's not what I need. What I need is to change myself and find redemption through God, my family and my friends. I want to know life without being drunk or tipsy, I want to know how life feels with healthy lungs, I want to know how life is when your heart beats really fast and I want to know how it feels when your soul has been touched spiritually and I want to know how it feels when your mind is at ease and to be problem free. Once upon a time I have felt these things before, so I believe I can feel those things again. When I look back on 2009, I look back at a young girl vs. my family, alcohol problems, two sprained ankles and a car accident. I know my family is more important than any girl in this world. I know two sprained or fractured ankles can't put me down for I still stand up and walk. I know that this car accident has piled on a lot of negativity in me and more problems to be solved, but I survived it for redemption, so I can learn and be stronger and better than I was before. But why does it still affect me? Everyday, I need to see people with the freedom that I long for, everyday, I have to live with the fact that I nearly killed myself and someone else and that it's another way that I've disgraced myself and my family. But they say, "It's to those people and you that think that way. Just know God has already forgotten about it." Twenty Two Years Old, is how old I'll be when I'm on the road again, 20 months to go. But they say, "We don't need to worry about the next day for it's in God's hands we just need to believe it. It's the excuses and why that happened, they don't become just questions anymore, they become questions and problems, but they become questions and problems that God and you will work out and answer."
We can't have these things given to us on a silver plater we need to go out there and grab it. To look attractive - we need to exercise and eat right, to have the ability to drive a vehicle - we need to wait and learn from our mistakes, to spend and to have money - we need to have jobs and work, to have a girlfriend - we need to wait in line and wait for God's time.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalms 37:4). Perhaps then I'll find God being evident in my life. I'm alive, I have a family, I have friends, I'm learning and I have a will to change and be better every time, God is already evident after all. But I know what I need to do. Step One: Talk to God, Pray, do your Devotions and read the Bible, Step Two: Keep doing that and practice it and wait, watch and listen for God to speak to you. Step Three: Continue Step One and Two, excercise and keep handing out resumes until a job accepts you and that's a start.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Happy Father's Day
I understand that Father's Day was yesterday but I wanted to write something about my father here on Earth. During Sunday school, my group was writing a song to their dads, they needed to pull out four lines and I couldn't even achieve that. I've never been good at expressing myself with songs. For me, it's hard when you're limited. I love to write for it's freeing nature. But enough about that.
If you know me, I'm here to tell you that you know my dad already then. Not by his appearence but what personality traits he has. To my knowledge and belief, my dad is the strongest person I know, the things that he has had to go through growing up is overwhelming. He loves to laugh but he fails in making other people laugh sometimes with his lame jokes. He gives out advice to the best of his knowledge and ability and he sees potential in people. He has a big heart to match all these things, he loves to give and give even if it means he has to work harder to get that money or to work harder and take out his time. He has a mind of a story teller, he's a deep thinker and a very deep man. He has an intelligence that I obviously didn't inherit though my older sister did. He is patient but just like me, when you've ticked him off enough, he'll unleash hell worse than Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin could ever have put together. Don't get on his bad side, it's the worse feeling, it's the words he wraps in your mind that will kill you inside. He's a leader and he knows how to be, he's a survivor and he'll last until the very end. He can't sing or dance and I think my older brother inherited that. But the positive things that do count, makes him who he is and if you're reading this, not wanting to be proud and arrogant but you'll see some qualities that he shares that have been inherited to me. They believe I look like him, but they believe I act like him too, but he never ponders on things and shows his frown like I do, I wish I had that, he finds joy in the hard times.
He's struggled so much in his life and he has a lot because of me, but just like my mum, just like God, they and he love me unconditionally and forgive me everytime. When I went through losing people through deaths, heart break from ex-girlfriends, my injuries, my problems and addictions and my car accident he was there. Always had to bring me to the places he'd know I'd party hard and it hurt him, but he knew I had to learn for myself and when I got my license, I'm thinking that he feared for me as much as my mother did. They'd stay awake every night when they knew I'd be drinking and I'd have my car. Then that night their worse fears had come. I put my parents through so much and this was the biggest of all disappointments I'm guessing to them, that night I crashed my car. But my dads helped me get through it all both of them did the one here on Earth, and the one up in heaven. I would never have made it without them. I wouldn't trade him for any other dad, and I'm glad and proud to have inherited some of his greatest attributes.
As a kid I thought he was the Terminator, big and strong and nothing could destroy him. Nothing has. And to me, he'll live forever, cause my Mum needs him and so does this world.
He'll probably never read this, but Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you.
If you know me, I'm here to tell you that you know my dad already then. Not by his appearence but what personality traits he has. To my knowledge and belief, my dad is the strongest person I know, the things that he has had to go through growing up is overwhelming. He loves to laugh but he fails in making other people laugh sometimes with his lame jokes. He gives out advice to the best of his knowledge and ability and he sees potential in people. He has a big heart to match all these things, he loves to give and give even if it means he has to work harder to get that money or to work harder and take out his time. He has a mind of a story teller, he's a deep thinker and a very deep man. He has an intelligence that I obviously didn't inherit though my older sister did. He is patient but just like me, when you've ticked him off enough, he'll unleash hell worse than Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin could ever have put together. Don't get on his bad side, it's the worse feeling, it's the words he wraps in your mind that will kill you inside. He's a leader and he knows how to be, he's a survivor and he'll last until the very end. He can't sing or dance and I think my older brother inherited that. But the positive things that do count, makes him who he is and if you're reading this, not wanting to be proud and arrogant but you'll see some qualities that he shares that have been inherited to me. They believe I look like him, but they believe I act like him too, but he never ponders on things and shows his frown like I do, I wish I had that, he finds joy in the hard times.
He's struggled so much in his life and he has a lot because of me, but just like my mum, just like God, they and he love me unconditionally and forgive me everytime. When I went through losing people through deaths, heart break from ex-girlfriends, my injuries, my problems and addictions and my car accident he was there. Always had to bring me to the places he'd know I'd party hard and it hurt him, but he knew I had to learn for myself and when I got my license, I'm thinking that he feared for me as much as my mother did. They'd stay awake every night when they knew I'd be drinking and I'd have my car. Then that night their worse fears had come. I put my parents through so much and this was the biggest of all disappointments I'm guessing to them, that night I crashed my car. But my dads helped me get through it all both of them did the one here on Earth, and the one up in heaven. I would never have made it without them. I wouldn't trade him for any other dad, and I'm glad and proud to have inherited some of his greatest attributes.
As a kid I thought he was the Terminator, big and strong and nothing could destroy him. Nothing has. And to me, he'll live forever, cause my Mum needs him and so does this world.
He'll probably never read this, but Happy Father's Day, Dad! I love you.
But you can see it, can't you?
Still gasping for air as I approach the light at the very end of the tunnel. Blood, sweat and tears had been shed, throughout the duration of this hard fought battle that I devoured myself into. Finally the end was near. Finally the light began to brighten and light up my face. My smile had returned and my heart was beating faster and harder than it has ever beated before. One moment had found it's downfall.
All of a sudden an old cranky man had appeared before me striking out the words, "You must continue for another two years, pay up a little more of your riches."
My body clock stopped. Everything stood still before me and the old cranky man had disappeared. Life was supposed to be liberating but, a strong wind had pushed me back to the very start once more. From where I was, the light that once looked promising looked to be the size of a small dot from a very, very far distance. I gazed at my surroundings, once more the same darkness clothed me. "Not again." I speak out to myself. But I understood this time, it'd be easier to get back because I knew what I had to do and I knew how to find that light. For it was right in front of me. The dangers that lurked. The hurt that crushed. This, would be easier to overcome. The battle now was the time it'd take. First thing was first, to gather up my riches and pay off what I had to, but with what riches. I had nothing.
I sleep, I eat, I sit, I write, I sing but I stopped walking again, Why? Satan played with my mind, starting again crushed my soul and She, caused my heart to feel love though another attempt at something I desire but will never have.
The tunnel I stood inside of disappears, and I land in a hot and dry desert. I am thirsty now, I'm tired and I'm sick. I'm deprived, I've had enough, I'm aching. Where are the promises of this paradise, show it to me God. I want to see the greenest grass, I want to see big trees bear good fruit, I want to see people laugh and be jubilant and free, I want to join them. This paradise is now in my view, I run towards it, I ran like I've never ran before only to see that it's a mirage, it was nothing more than sand. I stand there looking up at the skies. Quicksand was where I stood now, grabbing me by my weak ankles. I yell out at the top of my lungs with such desperation and need to the one above, "Pull me out God, please. I surrender. I surrender."
All of a sudden an old cranky man had appeared before me striking out the words, "You must continue for another two years, pay up a little more of your riches."
My body clock stopped. Everything stood still before me and the old cranky man had disappeared. Life was supposed to be liberating but, a strong wind had pushed me back to the very start once more. From where I was, the light that once looked promising looked to be the size of a small dot from a very, very far distance. I gazed at my surroundings, once more the same darkness clothed me. "Not again." I speak out to myself. But I understood this time, it'd be easier to get back because I knew what I had to do and I knew how to find that light. For it was right in front of me. The dangers that lurked. The hurt that crushed. This, would be easier to overcome. The battle now was the time it'd take. First thing was first, to gather up my riches and pay off what I had to, but with what riches. I had nothing.
I sleep, I eat, I sit, I write, I sing but I stopped walking again, Why? Satan played with my mind, starting again crushed my soul and She, caused my heart to feel love though another attempt at something I desire but will never have.
The tunnel I stood inside of disappears, and I land in a hot and dry desert. I am thirsty now, I'm tired and I'm sick. I'm deprived, I've had enough, I'm aching. Where are the promises of this paradise, show it to me God. I want to see the greenest grass, I want to see big trees bear good fruit, I want to see people laugh and be jubilant and free, I want to join them. This paradise is now in my view, I run towards it, I ran like I've never ran before only to see that it's a mirage, it was nothing more than sand. I stand there looking up at the skies. Quicksand was where I stood now, grabbing me by my weak ankles. I yell out at the top of my lungs with such desperation and need to the one above, "Pull me out God, please. I surrender. I surrender."
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