Innocence and Freedom

It's nearing to the end. Three months ago I was this young man full of regret and shame stuck in his bedroom with the blinds closed and the lights turned off, listening to the most depressing-est of songs and feeling completely sorry for himself. Three months later, I'm stronger than I was before. Because of what happened those months ago, it has taught me to be a better and a stronger person where when trials come my way I can easily defeat it with God and my mind set and my heart. I've tackled addictions, fractured muscles, break ups, unexpected deaths, verbal and physical fights, and I believe the next battle that comes along will be easier to face. This week will be the end of feeling restricted and scared and this week will open up a more free feeling that I've been longing for, for the last couple of months. Though it's not promised that hardships will all of a sudden end, I instead embrace them and find joy in it rather than crawl back into my shell that I've been comfortable and used to in the past.

I remember my first blog post about wishing I could talk to my former self in a younger and pure form to tell that younger form of myself the dangers and heartbreak that are ahead in life. Instead I'd like to tell my former self to get ready for happiness and joy and to find it even in the hardest of times. Yesterday, my baby girl cousin that was recently born was being held by yours truly and it was the first time I've ever held a baby that had just been born. It was a scary thought having to hold something so precious, fragile, innocent and pure. A little, baby girl that's never known about the harshness of this world. I myself know I've been through a lot in my life in my 20 years, but my little cousin has barely been through anything at all, it made me feel happy.

There's a scene in the most recent One Tree Hill episode in Season 6, Episode 24: Remember me as a Time of Day, where Dan met with Peyton who was holding her and Lucas' newly born daughter Sawyer. Dan who is Lucas' father asked Peyton if he could hold his granddaughter. Peyton darted quickly with a straight No but then thought about it and questioned Dan asking Why? Dan then replied, "Because she's the only one in my world that doesn't know what I've done." And Dan now was known for killing his brother Keith. I'm not saying that what I've done is as bad as what Dan did, but it made me feel that way for a while when I was holding my baby cousin. To feel innocent and free is harder to work for then it was when you were a baby. To able to hold onto something so precious, fragile, innocent and pure was Dan's hope that there was goodness and light in his dark world. There's still hope for everyone and anyone to be better than they were and that's a very overwhelming thought.

So a lesson learnt, just because you aren't a baby anymore doesn't mean you can't be reborn into a new creation, that's innocent, precious and pure. Everyone gets a second chance when it comes to God, sometimes we even get our ninty nineth chance but that's a story for another day.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 3:5-6
TRUST in the Lord, with all of your heart and lean not on your own understandings but acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.

For the last couple of weeks I've been living by this bible verse. I believe that it's the hardest thing trying something that you're not used too. It's such a restricting and uncomfortable feeling. But I guess that's what a new creation is all about, that's the beauty of change. I believe that everything that's happened lately has gotten me to realise that relying on my own strengths and my own understandings is a path for self destruction and disappointment and same goes for relying on other people around you. I believe that, it's something that I've been struggling with for a very long time. I've been so used to approaching other people with my problems or trying my hardest to defeat things on my own that it's become normal to me. But what I found was, disappointments. It's always difficult facing the fact that your love ones can't always be there for you. But it's a very selfish thought thinking that they can. When the ones who love you disappoint you, it brings you to loneliness and thoughts of negativity therefore you try to rely on your own strength, but like I said when you fail in your temptation or problem, self destruction comes walking in. The simple truth is that, God can provide all of our needs if we trust and believe that He will provide all of our needs. For the last few weeks, when things have come up with incidents that connect with my car accident, I've forgotten everything around me and I've learnt to just talk to God about everything. But my biggest fear is that it may isolate me from other people now, and as emotional as it sounds, I'm afraid of being disappointed, but I know that My God will never forsake me and that he'll always be there when I need Him. And basically, He is all that I need to get me through the hardest and darkest of times.